Could you imagine having to run all the way to the other side of the country to get a fresh start? Maybe you’ve actually fantasized about it. Maybe you’ve pictured yourself picking a random day to just pack up and go. Leave it all behind without a worry in the world because the truth is, none of it matters anymore. The places, the memories, the people… maybe it’s time to let it all go… just let it all go and let yourself go. Like a loose leaf gracefully dancing with the wind to discover where your new destination is. You don’t fight the thought. You don’t find ways or excuses to stay. All you know is this is something that has to happen and you’re making it happen. Have you ever flirted with the idea of doing something like that, really?
Have you ever lived a life so full of pain and turmoil that you didn’t have a choice? When every relationship you come across turns out to be abusive and you learn by the age of 3 to have severe trust issues. How every time you try, it doesn’t turn out right because things are not right. When there is someone behind you whispering things in your ear that you are no good and that your life is worthless. Eventually you start to believe them. Eventually, you start to see it like them. Or how about all those times they stood by and watched you fall and ran over to kick you down, to keep you down, when you tried to stand back up. Then there are those sneaky moments, when they get their act together and you fall for it then carry the burden of disappointment every time they relapse. That’s just the tip of the iceberg. What if every single day of your life you felt like you didn’t have a purpose and that God made you by mistake, would you leave then? Even if you were just 14 years old?
I did. My life was in shambles since the beginning. And I wish time travel was a real thing because I’d go back and tell my 6 year old self to buck up because things are going to get so much worse. I’d tell her to be strong and to never forget God. I’d really make sure that she knew she wasn’t a mistake. If she could hear me, if she could listen, I’d tell her what her future looked like. And then tell her what she could do to better cope with it so her mental health didn’t deteriorate so badly and she sits at a desk every morning, journaling away to keep the pieces together. I’d let her know that her dad never comes back. By 7 years old, she will suffer anxiety; but prepare her mentality so that she can remember she wasn’t actually dying when the attacks come on. I’d warn her that the alcoholic isn’t going to change and that she should focus on saving herself instead of her mother. By the time she’s 9, she will have depression. And 2 weeks after her 10th birthday on Christmas day, she’d wake up to a “womanhood” surprise and be humiliated and shamed by her family for it. By age 12 she will learn to hit back when her mother started her drunken nightly ritual and how every blow she takes or gives is going to shred her heart a little more. And that the neighbor is going to poison her favorite beloved cat. I’d tell her to remember she is strong and beautiful. Even though every single day of her life, she wonders if there is such thing as a miracle? I’d warn her that nothing will fill void while she’s young… not boys, drugs, sex, alcohol or smoking. The only thing she can do is to keep moving on.
By the time she’s 14, there will be no water or electricity in the trailer. Her mother will have lost her job and is always passed out on the couch. White lines on a piece of glass isn’t the lifestyle anyone should have. And finding spoons with burnt spots on the bottoms means to run. I’d tell her to remember that there is more to this. And that the garbage mobile home is temporary. I’d let her know that soon she will go far, far away to the other side of the country. Out of state to a new town where her destiny awaits. And no, that road won’t be easy either, but it’s the road to growing up, to staying straight and working hard and never giving up. I’d let her down a little easy about her current hopes and dreams. But lift her up and let her know that she will have new ones, bigger ones, that will come up and gleam. I’d save her time and tell her to put that suicide plan away. And to remember that nothing can get better if you give up on the day. I’d hold her tight because no one else would be there to do it for her. I’d let her mourn her future and I’d be there to support her. If I could be a little fairy in her life that whispers all the good things in her ear, then maybe she won’t be such a mess living with so much fear. I’d let her know that good things come but they take so much time. This is her life, and when it’s time for change she has to make the climb. I’d kiss her on the forehead and let her know she’s going to be fine.
Because by the time she’s 25 years old the past will be the past. All the fist fights and drunken nights where never hers to begin with. It’s funny now, looking back, it all went by so fast. And if she tries to tell other’s about the craziness that’s happened they will act like it’s a myth. Now at this mid 20’s age, she’s created such an incredible life, it’s truly amazing. She is married to her high school sweet heart and oh, the miracle baby they are raising! So many jobs have left her with so many skills and taught her so much about herself she didn’t ever know. She’s such a hard working woman with goals on her mind, healing her mental health and is reaping what she sows. ❤
My Gratitude for my trials and triumphs:
Dear God and Dear Jesus,
I just want to give thanks to you on this day. Thank you for everything! I know it hasn’t been easy and I don’t expect life to be. But I’ve been through so much Lord, and you helped me through and through. Every time I needed you, you were always there. You never left me, though at times I thought you would want to. You gave me everything I ever needed to make it out of the “fires” in my life. You have seen me cry, you know my pain. You carried me when I couldn’t go on. You made me stronger every time and now I am so much wiser. Thank you for never leaving me no matter how many times my faith was tried. Thank you for saving me from others and myself at times. Thank you for pushing me to this better life I learned how to create. I am forever grateful to have you, Lord, my Savior and I am your disciple.