Back in 2013, I went on my very first weight loss journey. It was an unforgettable experience! I was about 19 years old and weighing around 165lbs. My goal was to get down to 130lbs.
During that journey, I realized somewhere after losing the first 10 pounds that it wasn’t even about the numbers. It turned into a journey about how I felt. And let me tell you, I felt so AMAZING. That single word doesn’t even touch the base of it.
With every pound I lost, with every inch off my waist, with every weight lifted, with every road jogged, with every muscle that ached so bad, with every stretch I did, with every day that I pushed myself to make it all happen, with every tear that flowed, with every sweat bead that rolled… (lol seriously though.) I felt myself becoming healthier from the inside out. I literally could feel myself growing stronger and more durable. I slept better. After I cut out junk and sugar – eventually I didn’t crave it anymore.
I felt in complete CONTROL. Also, it turned into a spiritual and mental health journey as well and I learned so much about myself that I truly didn’t know. I learned to love myself. Finally. I learned how to heal and to move on… I learned that I could do and change anything about my life that I wanted to. In case you were wondering, I did stick to it and I met my goal and lost 35 pounds in about 5 months. It was magical. I kept it off too, until…
I had a baby and it all ended.
LOL. Sorry fit moms out there… I never got back into the swing of it. I’ve tried again and again. I failed to stick to it over and over. I made promises. I made posts. I made affirmations that THIS time was the final time. But none of it happened. Or it would last a week and one little thing would happen and then completely derail me from my goals.
Who have I become? Do I still love myself? What’s happened? Where did my strength go? Where did my discipline go?
I have 1,000+ reasons (or excuses) for “what happened.” Sure. We all do. But why did I let it stop me all this time? Why did I let it get to me and give up only to start over aimlessly all the time now?
Here’s the thing folks: my daughter had her 4th birthday back in April. 4 entire years are gone. Last December I reached my heaviest weight of 205lbs. I went to the doctor and read my BMI which was labeled “Obese.” I never felt words on a piece of paper hurt like that. I got back into the swing of exercise and healthy eating for a while. But when I look into the mirror, all I see is the word OBESE as if it’s tattooed in all of my most insecure places.
I am not Crystal who became a mother. I am not the hard worker who was stuck working 12 hour shifts without breaks and eating whatever I could find for a quick fix, (That was when I learned the dangers of how over eating, especially sweets, actually has a psychological effect to make you feel better, temporarily and then you crash and feel like complete shit.) I am not all the things that MENTALLY impounded me from being able to fulfill my dream of becoming ultimate healthy. Instead of all the truths and all the things I faced, my hardships and my successes, like, moving from Georgia to Michigan and getting situated… none of that mattered. Nothing that I’ve been through in the last 4 years mattered. I wasn’t her. I was just “Obese.”
That’s how it made me feel. At only 25 years old. I feel like I’ve lost my spark to youth. I’ve done the math to when I am “morbidly obese.” I know what your thinking, So what then? It didn’t motivate you to get back on the horse? In honesty, Yes and No.
Yes-because I did lose weight. It is June 26th and since last December of 2018 I’ve lost about 20 pounds. From 205lbs down to 185lbs. So that’s great!
No-Because my stupid brain says, What? It took you 6 months to lose 20 pounds? When 6 years ago it took you 5 months to lose 35 pounds? You lazy loser.
**SELF CRITICAL THINKING WILL EAT YOU ALIVE.**
I haven’t truly celebrated all the hard work I’ve done in the last 6 months, while working a very sedentary job from 8am-5pm and having such little time to cook and clean up the kitchen, let alone workout, (again, more excuses but this is LIFE.) And that’s because I cut myself down for not doing it as well as I did 6 years ago.
6 years ago, I was younger. 6 years ago, I didn’t have a child who I put as my number one priority. 6 years ago, I worked morning shifts from 5am-4pm in a very high volume produce department for a popular grocery chain that required so much physical labor… and I still did cardio at home with my dog. 6 years ago, I wasn’t weighed down mentally with the roles of responsibility, never ending debt, parenthood, job loss and loss of my own parent. 6 years ago… I was as free as a flipping bird. So yeah. It took me 5 months to do it 6 years ago.
I need to give myself some credit and a break. I know.
Looking back though, I reminisce for that feeling I once had. I look at my daughter and my heart surges to give her more. I want to be there with her in the moment, in every moment! I want to be able to run, jump, skip and play whenever she wants me to without feeling utterly exhausted. I want my energy and stamina back! And I want to look at myself and feel nothing but pride and self accomplishment. And who doesn’t want their husband to look at them like they’re a snack! 🙂
I do love myself. And I have to remember that self love is putting the donuts down. Self love is discipline. Self love is hard and messy but worth it. Self love is making time. Self love is prioritizing what matters the most to you in life.
My priority and what matters most to me (other than my daughter of course,) is living my very best life because my beginning wasn’t that great and I know I have the power to change it and make it as incredible as I possibly can.
We are only here once and I don’t want to waste it not being happy. It’s not even my heaviness that is making me feel this way. It’s the reality that my goals are NOT being met and that makes me go into my depression fog of feeling worthless.
Also, putting unrealistic time frames on things don’t help. -I didn’t mean to. I just didn’t know how hard it would be this time around. I can safely say, I’ve been on this roller coaster journey since December. I’m ready for it to even out though.
Tomorrow marks one whole year back in Michigan! It’s a very special day for my family as we’ve been reunited and working hard. I’m going to come up with a new workout plan and reinvent what I created back 6 years ago and make tomorrow my day 1 of yet another new routine. I feel it in my bones this time. It’s going to be different because I’ve I truly feel good and inspired! Whereas, 6 months ago, it just felt like another job or another thing on my to-do list.
I want to feel on top of the world again. I want to go through the mental health and spiritual journey again. I want it all and I want to do it in a way that becomes my new lifestyle so my daughter can learn from me as well. I want more knowledge. I want to prove to myself that I CAN DO THIS and I WILL DO THIS because I AM ALREADY DOING IT. I will post progress updates on here and some useful tricks that I’ll be doing to get back into health ONCE AND FOR ALL. I won’t stray away from it. I will accomplish my dreams.
I REFUSE TO STAY STUCK AND IN COMFORT ZONES BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT STUNTS YOUR GROWTH.
Working out and anything for health related change, is a matter of getting your mind right and I feel like I can accomplish anything I put my mind to right now. Finally. I’ve been waiting forever to feel this good again. Mind over Matter; Mind over Body.
I have come too far to let go of anything the sets my soul on fire. Fitness is a need in my life. This post sums up my reason why. What’s yours?
Until next time. Now it’s time to put up the fight!
Onwards and Upwards!